Earlier when we were having our rationale in the review center that I am enrolled in, the reviewer was discussing parenterals and IV mixtures. Among the choices, I saw the Normal Saline Soution. NSS. Then something came to my mind, a flashback.
I remembered the time when my lola was to be discharged from the hospital. She was going to be taken to our home because she did not want to be in the hospital anymore. She wanted to come home.
We were packing her things and the nurse removed all her IV lines and we were deciding if we were going to bring home the NSS left. It's not relevant. I just remember the details. I remembered how I time the flow rate of her IV mixtures, as if I was doing something to help. I was trying to do anything to help. But I know whatever I did then, nothing made her better.
Then after that, I remembered her face while she was in her casket at her house. I remembered her right cheek still marked from the oxygen tube inserted to her previously. I can see it under all the makeup applied on her face to hide the pallor of her lifeless, beautiful face.
Then I remembered the afternoon that she died, according to my cousin's stories, and it reminded me that I wasn't there. I didn't even know that she already died at that time.
Every time I think of her, I would inevitably wonder if she remembered me that time, or if she looked for me, or if she was hurt because I wasn't there. As my cousin described the night before my lola died, every one in the family was there, except me.
Now all I have are these memories, that whenever I remember, make me stop, as if having a petit mal seizure.
I always remember her. And I always don't know what to do to make the grief go away. To make me miss her less.... Because all I feel is emptiness and pain when I miss her and when I think of her.
