NSS

Earlier when we were having our rationale in the review center that I am enrolled in, the reviewer was discussing parenterals and IV mixtures. Among the choices, I saw the Normal Saline Soution. NSS. Then something came to my mind, a flashback.

I remembered the time when my lola was to be discharged from the hospital. She was going to be taken to our home because she did not want to be in the hospital anymore. She wanted to come home.

We were packing her things and the nurse removed all her IV lines and we were deciding if we were going to bring home the NSS left. It's not relevant. I just remember the details. I remembered how I time the flow rate of her IV mixtures, as if I was doing something to help. I was trying to do anything to help. But I know whatever I did then, nothing  made her better.

Then after that, I remembered her face while she was in her casket at her house. I remembered her right cheek still marked from the oxygen tube inserted to her previously. I can see it under all the makeup applied on her face to hide the pallor of her lifeless, beautiful face.

Then I remembered the afternoon that she died, according to my cousin's stories, and it reminded me that I wasn't there. I didn't even know that she already died at that time.

Every time I think of her, I would inevitably wonder if she remembered me that time, or if she looked for me, or if she was hurt because I wasn't there. As my cousin described the night before my lola died, every one in the family was there, except me.

Now all I have are these memories, that whenever I remember, make me stop, as if having a petit mal seizure.

I always remember her. And I always don't know what to do to make the grief go away. To make me miss her less.... Because all I feel is emptiness and pain when I miss her and when I think of her.

Life lately

Hi. I'm Angela. I am not a blogger anymore. I don't write stuff like this anymore. I used to, but now I don't think I still can (grammar, composition, creativity and all that). Also, I do not have the luxury of time to do this regularly.

But I've been meaning to do this because I'm a going through a lot of things right now, both good and not so good. I don't know, I just kind of need this.

So lately..

• My Lola was diagnosed with Stage 4 stomach cancer. She doesn't know this yet. My mom knows and my tita knows and I know. I don't know who else does (so I guess now you know but please, let's keep it as a secret). It's so heartbreaking. I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to think. 
• My brother was crying. It broke my heart. He was feeling weaker. He said he is suffering. He never says that. He's always so strong. But last time I was with him, he told our mom that he was already suffering. He was in pain. It's so hard to witness that. It's been years that he's in that state. I don't know what to think of, I don't what to pray for. I don't know. I keep on saying it because I can't comprehend all that's happening.
• I fell again. And every time that I do, it feels like it's harder to stand up. It feels like He would never look at me again. It feels like separation. Separation.. it's so cold and painful to hear. But I talked to someone and he made me feel better. It made me realize things that I already know, things I find hard to grasp on in moments like this. So I felt a little better, but not completely. It's a process, I guess. God is good. He is forgiving. He is gracious.
• Everything feels so out of place. But most of the time I tend to forget about everything. I still manage to be happy. I don't think of them too much. Just on nights like this. Just right now. I don't know what God's plans are but I know He is good and His love never fails.

He never fails.